Pocket Logic by Jason Love

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 09-61

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:46:00 +0000

I wanted to try water polo, but it seemed so cruel to the horses.

Musclewomen confuse my pheremones.

When you get mad, take ten deep breaths. If you're still mad, it's okay to hurt someone.

Probability is 100% chance.

It's always interesting to see what receipts are in your pocket the morning after margaritas.

By July 4th, California has already celebrated independence. We call it Cinco de Mayo.

At the airport, there should be a place to have sex -- you know, for when flights are delayed.

People are bad for the environment.

Avocados cost so much, I eat the skin too.

Judging by our political decisions, hindsight is 50-50.

My church isn't committed to a denomination. Tens, twenties, fifties -- it all works.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 09-31

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 07:25:00 +0000

Being spiritual is good for your image.

If hell is anything like summer in Arizona, I'll be good.

The real world is whatever NBC says it is.

Soap operas are the funniest thing on TV.

When a store leaves its "Open" sign on after-hours, we should be able to loot.

There are so many ways to die and only one to be born.

"Research" is a fancy word for "reading."

Here's another good cold remedy: warmth.

Bigots all look alike.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 09-21

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 02:35:00 +0000

Nowadays when we say teacher's pet, we're talking about the groping.

What's good for you depends largely on who sponsors the study.

Forty percent of the population is stupid and struggles with math; the other seventy percent of us don't have a problem with it.

Food tastes better when other people make it.

We should fill driverside air bags with ketchup -- you know, just for fun.

We ridicule the homeless, but we're the ones waking up to alarms.

Every house needs a drawer for unfamiliar business cards and pennies wedged in gum.

The less you have going on in your life, the more important it is to win softball games.

It's the people who ask for loans that you don't want to lend money to.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 08-91

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 06:14:00 +0000

The upside to being a bum is that you don't get mugged very often.

Once you get old, life is like a box of whatchamacallits.

I'm a morning person: That's when I get my best sleep in.

Everyone has said, "It tastes like crap," but only a select few really know what they are talking about.

I dream of Jeannie loving Lucy.

Your parents did the best they could. The bastards.

A comfortable shirt is one in which you can blow your nose.

It can take a man several marriages to understand the importance of monogamy.

The best part about gay men is that they're not always trying to prove they're not gay.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 08-81

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 20:44:00 +0000

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the kind of money where I don't really care either way.

Monday is a cruel thing to do to your weekend.

Being high on crack also makes for strange bedfellows.

Pacman is a lot like life: A little guy consuming as much as possible before being cornered by his demons.

Catholics can do anything they want so long as they feel guilty afterward.

I can't wait to learn patience.

A sandwich doesn't taste the same if it isn't cut in half.

Movie critics: people who have seen so many movies that they're no longer qualified to comment one way or the other.

Nothing can prevent me from picturing you naked.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 08-72

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:07:00 +0000

Free refills cost me my figure.

Hollywood: a place where you can earn more money portraying a doctor than being one.

Enron taught us a valuable lesson: Beware of false profits.

Exercise makes your food taste better.

America has been going downhill since that whole Plymouth Rock thing.

Please don't take the speed limit literally.

If anyone can figure out how to be indoors and outdoors at the same time, it will be a cat.

The Super Bowl would be more exciting if the losing team had to forfeit its salary.

Cleavage is another kind of currency.

Strange to live in a world where everyone is hoping to get hit by a well-insured vehicle.

Funny Sayings by Jason Love 08-71

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:39:00 +0000

Our boss must understand that sometimes the universe doesn't want us to be on time.

It only seems like it would be funny to enter a bank wearing a ski mask.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Just because it pays well doesn't mean it's a good job.

No means no. So does pepper spray.

Reporting in front of the White House gives credibility to whatever you say.

It's hard to explain a papercut on your penis.

Winter is cruel: It makes women wear so much clothing.

Maybe it's time to give up on cloning and take a crack at fusion.

You have to climb pretty high into the hills to masturbate in peace.

Funny Sayings 08-62

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:11:00 +0000

In fairness to other nations, perhaps it's time to wrap the Washington Monument in a 600-foot condom.

At least a stalker is there for you.

We have to keep building in order to stave off unemployment for long-haired, tattooed guys.

Nutrition Facts ruin everything.

Today's headlines are tomorrow's cage liner.

The problem with missionaries is that you always know what you're going to talk about.

It feels good to have not killed anyone.

Funny Sayings 08-61

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:19:00 +0000

I think; therefore, I think I am.

When you think you know what the writer means but aren't really sure and don't care anyway ... that's poetry.

You know you're screwed when you can't afford the stamps to mail the payment.

If you a know their mother's maiden name and the city where they were born, you can pretty much take over their life.

When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other, it's probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.

Thank God beauty is only skin deep -- otherwise it would be really expensive.

Drunk is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

A man has but one defense against menstruation: It is the word "sorry."

Funny Sayings 08-52

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 31 May 2008 06:16:00 +0000

What's really jolting when you see two sobriety checkpoints side by side.

Some guys are so married, they're gay.

The best part about a chat room is that you can't be slapped.

Bright people should get extra days off to compensate for all the time they waste on boneheads.

It's a good thing that global warming doesn't affect rich Americans.

Men get to choose whatever their wives pick out for them.

Doors don't open themselves. Well, electric ones do, but that ruins the saying.

Women are more concerned with the bulge in his back pocket.

Funny Sayings 08-51

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:23:00 +0000

Naming a child Rufus is also child abuse.

The only thing worse than being late is being early.

Chinese skywriters must get especially dizzy.

Life is like the Internet: You begin with a logical direction, but one link leads to another and before you know it you can't remember where you were going or how to get back.

The nice thing about women's soccer is that the referees can use a whistle that only the players can hear.

A sucker is born every minute, one for each new tax law.

Funny Sayings 08-43

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:19:00 +0000

Computer rule #1: Just because it worked yesterday doesn't mean that it's going to work today.

What we should really be afraid of is unidentified landing objects.

The bummer about being Asian is that you pretty much know what color your hair is going to be.

Doctors talk to you differently when you have insurance.

If you listen carefully to commercials, you realize that what they are really saying is BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

Maybe 50% of marriages end in divorce because 30% begin in pregnancy.

Thank god for science.

Swimmers would look pretty funny without all that water.

Funny Sayings 08-42

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:38:00 +0000

Happiness is working in your own area code.

Psychologists are all part psycho.

Don't judge a book by it's cover; judge it by the movie.

It's good to be spontaneous if you can work it into your schedule.

A writer just reads with a pen.

We should have different laws for when we're drunk.

Conversations rarely end on "whatever."

As children we complain about homework; as adults we long to work at home.

Bigots are themselves a minority.

Funny Sayings 08-41

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:21:00 +0000

I want to be the most non-competitive person in the world.

Every once in a while, when you're feeling good and the time is right ... buy yourself the expensive toilet paper.

If the universe wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand.

If you have to explain it, it probably isn't funny.

The traffic's always lighter in someone else's lane.

Unisex bathrooms are a cruel thing to do to women.

Funny Sayings 08-32

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Always give three weeks notice when you quit: It gives you extra time to screw around.

I went to a cathouse once. It landed me in the doghouse.

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

Basketball players make plenty of money. We should start charging for those free throws.

Good thing we can't get our hands pregnant.

The only people truly under the weather are buried.

If you want to guarantee that your child will have sexual hang-ups, be very religious.

Drinking eight glasses of water per day is a great idea. If you live in a bathroom.

Funny Sayings 08-31

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:22:00 +0000

Time used to fly; now it's afraid of terrorists.

The best thing about cats is that they don't bark.

Now all we need are personality implants.

Swingers cheat on each other together.

Valentine's Day, a time to be romantic on cue.

Don't drive drunk -- it kills your buzz.

We ridicule the homeless, but we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.

Funny Sayings 08-22

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 00:45:00 +0000

Greeting cards are for people who mean every word that someone else said.

I can't imagine working without a 'Net.

The desert has two seasons: too hot and too cold.

Don King is a convicted killer. And that's one of his more likable traits.

Some people don't have the discipline to relax.

War is one game where you want to forego home field advantage.

"Working at home" sounds way better than "took the day off."

Family Guy is a way of life.

Funny Sayings 08-21

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:08:00 +0000

The older I get, the more I believe we should respect the elderly.

Chat rooms are really cool for about 5 minutes.

A view is where we build houses.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't drown it without taking grief from PETA.

Good thing Newton didn't sit under an anvil tree.

You might want to consider a career change when you hope for natural disaster as a
reason to go home for the day.

A spelling bee is where we're asked to spell words that we will not
hear again in this lifetime.

Funny Sayings 08-12

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 06:28:00 +0000

I've known four different Lukes, and not one has been warm.

Sometimes opportunity knocks when you're too damn tired to get up.

The squeaky wheel also gets replaced.

We need to work I.Q. into a woman's measurements.

You know the basketball game is decided when the white guys come in.

The designated driver is the one with the DUI.

The only thing worse than being unemployed is having a job.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Funny Sayings 08-11

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 01:50:00 +0000

Live each day as if it were your last because today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Insurance fraud: accidents on purpose.

Imagine how prolific Shakespeare would have been with a computer.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Unless, of course, you're a masochist, in which case raise hell.

Hitler would have been very big on cloning.

The birds and the bees never made since, but they did monkeys at the zoo were good enough to spell it out.

In prison the baptized murderers don't even talk to unbaptized murderers.

I used to exercise. Now I just hold in my stomach.

Funny Sayings 07-122

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 03:02:00 +0000

Fruit only angers my need for chocolate.

Some girls can't control the power of their cleavage.

May you never grow so old that farts aren't funny anymore.

Eat before you go grocery shopping; don't eat before you go clothes shopping.

Men should be allowed to pee in public like the dogs they are.

Hockey has more to offer than other religions.

Soap operas are even funnier when you watch them on mute.

Everyone lives in their our fantasy world; it's just that some of us are good at it.

Funny Sayings 07-121

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 04:10:00 +0000

Remember: No matter what you are doing, somebody, somewhere has a problem with it.

It's hard to be a pacifist when so many people need to be punched in the nose.

The grass is always greener when someone else mows it.

I've never made an "easy payment."

For most students, English is a sentence.

The last thing you want your relationship to become is serious.

Funny Sayings 07-113

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:57:00 +0000

Concerts are where they ruin all the songs you enjoyed on the radio.

When you go before the parole board, it's probably not a good idea to have a swastika burned into your forehead.

Being king is a good job if you can get the work.

If we can't reach someone with reason, law should permit us to strike them.

It's nice to know a word like tendentious, but then you have to find other people who do.

People will believe just about anything because it's the polite thing to do.

Radio would be so much better if the DJs didn't speak.

Sometimes I like people; other times, they don't agree with what I'm saying.

Funny Sayings 07-112

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 00:37:00 +0000

Workaholics need the overtime to cover marriage counseling.

Ford's Axiom: No matter how ugly you make a car, people will line up to buy it.

When sharing last night's dream, two minutes is plenty.

Chocolate is especially good on chocolate.

When you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.

Perception rules the world. If you don't believe me, I'm wrong.

Nothing makes my sphincter twitch like a task force.

Funny Sayings 07-111

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 06:54:00 +0000

If they make you a free offer, don't buy it.

Some people aren't officially angry until everyone knows about it.

Complaints defy physics: The more you have, the less they weigh.

It can take years to become an overnight success.

Even our best friends are edible.

The overworked should remember the out-of-work.

Remember, it's not how attractive you are but whether or not you put out.

Happiness is waking up whenever.